i have been waiting here…since u walked away without turning around…

he left me in a lurch at the crossing gate…’wait here for me’ was the last thing he whispered as i pulled him deep into my body, clutching his soul with my shivering hands. i knew he was going to leave…but i held on because i was naive and blinded by the ar-rhythmic beating of my heart. i stood there with my back exposed to the passing cars…blood sliding over the scar tissue, mixing with the saliva and piss on the alleyway. the olfactory explosion was the only thing that kept me awake that first night…breaking down the scents of the stains on the scratched red brick wall i was facing…it was like a little game i played as tears blurred my vision.

my body was in tatters…his last session had left me completely spent. i stood…wavering between absolute collapse and orgasmic highs…my fingers dug into my forearms as i stood waiting. i waited and waited till dawn broke…i waited even though my knees buckled under stress…i waited patiently as the three high school boys found me on their way school at 7:45am the next morning…who brutally raped me in turns…holding my limp bleeding wrists down with doc marten boots…i waited silently.

i waited silently…and i know i most probably wait some more by the side of this road…in this alleyway, brutalized by the men who stalk about here…i wait silently…for my irregular heart beat to start up again…

rusty blades make such pretty patterns…

i have changed…slightly and metaphysically. i am no longer bound by tradition and ‘what will people say’. i am bound not by mothering instincts, demonic desires and insane pleas of sexual favors…i am bound by nothing. i have been moving around, pushing further and further than i thought possible…but i am lost at sea. i have no tether…i am lost…floating in a void of misconstruction and lies. i feel lost…

he has disappeared from my life. i have no ritual bleeding to attend to, no right of passage that i must suffer through…no desires that are being fulfilled. he left me like a thief in the night: covertly with black fingerless gloves…leaving tattered prints on my bruised body. i have been carving maliciously recently…but to no avail. i bleed when i stand…my legs buckle under the stress that i have induced. i have been sitting on my hotel bathroom floor…blades at the ready…i throw up a little and cut slightly deeper into my thigh…

my dresses are in shambles…i refuse to have them lengthened because i miss him…he has ripped me apart and i simmer in the heat of summer waiting for him on the doorstep of the gallery. the leather shops and alley ways hold my gaze no longer…i need him inside my mind. he has always been the only thing that drove me to my highs and guided me with surgical precision through my lows…i have nothing left to bleed…i am rotted and dried from inside…

i stopped smiling a long time ago, patodia does not understand this wretched husk that slams doors and shivers in the intense heat…it is hard for me to function, to be alive and breathe…to pretend that i am alright. i have been having horrific dreams….things…things that i can not even fathom when i am awake…i stopped sleeping some time ago. i run on caffeine and drugs, trucker pills by the bottle full…i thrive in career and on the surface, but i am losing in life. i have sacrificed myself time and again…and yet here i am…waiting on my knees…ready to be lead to the back of the barn to be dismembered. now…if i can only find someone brave enough to wield the rusty blade…