breath is like glass candy…it cuts when i suck in…

i wanted to cry out loud…to march up to his laughing face and claw his eyes out today…i wanted him to scream, and beg me to stop…i wanted him to become ‘emotional’. i wanted him to bleed…i wanted him. i sat there and watched him talk to his friend, his back to me while his friend watched my every motion and expression. i am so transparent…my face displays my ‘wants’ like a billboard on a freeway. i drank my soy latte, a phat beat courtesy of jam master jay pulling me towards oblivion.

he broke my heart…crudely on the subway as we tunneled furiously towards my waiting family. he left me frustrated in my red car, my heart bleeding on the pavement as he slid into his waiting ride and drove off. i sat there and in a daze called my hysterical mother, told her i would see her the next day and i drove. i drove the whole night…ecstatic and mindless…i drove and when my vision blurred from the water that seeped silently from my eyes…i drove some more.

my brother finally found me holed up in a seedy motel three days after he shattered my senses…i called him at midnight from the payphone. i had run out of steam…i was completely ripped apart at the seams. he had come in a rush, afraid of my affinity to suicide…he drove for fourteen hours straight to get me home. kevin and my brother banged on the motel door..i listened to his begging and pleading…’open the door, hon…please’. i sat there, my fingers raw and bloody and finally whispered into the eerie silence…’it’s open…it’s always open for u homes’.

i have never heard my brother scream out in my life…but that crisp august morning, i think the whole sleepy hamlet heard a hoarse cry rise out from a 22 year old throat…crackling like gun fire. he slammed me on to the floor and wrestled away the blades…my fingers and hands an intricate artwork of bleeding lines. kevin stood there..he watched me in awe…i sat on a purple clotted patchwork sheet outlined only with fresh burgundy. on my stomach, i had been cutting my hands for the past four hours…my body draped over the bed, my feet bleeding over the edge of the bed…pooling on the floor in a crusty pile.

i was in the hospital for three weeks after that bastard broke my heart…he lied to me at every turn, pretending to be someone he never intended to truthfully become. i bleed crimson tears for him…scar tissue on my body will never allow me to walk onto a beach without causing a ruckus. patodia put me back on the higher dose, and i swam in my mind for a good chunk of time.

i saw him again on the subway today…and picked at the scar on my right arm…i bleed crimson for him, but i have no colour left in me today. today i will bleed black…i have no light left anymore. i function and form because i must, because i am grateful, because i have life in my womb…and…because i finally have nothing else to offer my creator, except the shallow breath i suck up like candy.

i have nothing else to give…i am spent…i have been living on carefully spelt out prayer…but i have no love for faith and no real belief…i run empty…i am a shade of the girl he broke…i am a blackened shade of my former self…i am…