…yet here i am.

its been some time since i’ve written anything on a regular basis, but it seems that i have been falling into a nonsensical rut…i feel like i’m crashing and burning. patodia urges me to write…but i am afraid to expose so much…he keeps urging me to talk to him, but recently the madness that is my life has shut me down. the ever increasing dosages are forcing my mind to do flip-flops…i am afraid that i will reject it all…its been a creation of my own hands, this pit that i have fallen into. emotional highs and lows carted together on a never ending see-saw, my own created demons taunting me to get off this hell ride. but yet i cling on for dear life, refusing to budge from what is obviously a bad situation. why has it come to this…have i truly gone off the deep end to have my life fall down around me in a mess of few too many un-kept promises to others and shattered images of self that i refuse to even look at, now that they have been exposed as my own creations?

has my mind gone blank, what am i honestly doing here in this space…clinging to my juvenile delusions of ‘fitting in’ with the popular people, and ‘finally getting it right’. i know that this is not me, it has never been me…i have been always far too removed from the ‘normal’ people, and it is not a dream that i should be chasing at my age. but yet, here i am…begging to be seen as part of their group, any group for that matter. i am standing unclaimed…but i watch from the distance…i need to belong…

i am lost…my body has been tempted and mistreated for far too long. the temptation, fetishes and now the added on pills have long ago shown me their ways and effects on my psyche and my body, but new things have crept in. images that i have always tried to adhere to are finally in my grasp, but i succumb to the weakness of my self-sabotaging mind and have created new demons who taunt me in my waking hours and have now crept into my sleep…

my new fixation has shifted from my never ended need to harm myself to the control over intake…be it food, water or anything. this is new…food is an enemy now, the constant ebb and flow of these morsels i put in my mouth is starting to retch out of my system, by my own hand…i know this is not what i should do…but it feels so right. i have control…control of something that is mine, and mine alone. far too long have i gone, moving to the drum beats of those around me, but this is my creation, my baby if you will. this is my fight against me, and by god i will win it, even if it kills me.

i know not if anyone will read this and relate, but i am compelled to write. the forced upon isolation in my own mind is driving me crazy.. i feel like i’m losing a battle i should not even be fighting…yet here i am.